Free-For-All Fridays

"Teasing Your Friend" Doesn’t Make It Funny or Okay

Warning: A rant is about to ensue.

It’s nothing new. I imagine people have been tossing “joking” insults at their friends since the dawn of time, and especially boys. You’ve probably heard the type:

“Joe, you’re such a girl.” (Having two X chromosomes is an insult?)

“Hey, Larry likes guys.” (Besides it being untrue, what’s your point?)

“You’re so gay, Jeff.” (“Gay” as a vague catch-all synonym for stupid, clumsy, goofy, or whatever would actually fit the situation? … Must not kill the children with my laser-eyes.)

That’s when it’s tame, and I’ll let your imagination fill in when it’s not. I’m sure there’s some psychological/sociological explanation about male posturing, establishing dominance, or some other testosterone-fuelled phenomenon.

It drives me nuts.

What can I do about it? Probably not much. I try to take the extra moment for a stern “None of that in my classroom,” but it’s always met by the same thing:

“I’m just playing. Joe and I are buds. He knows I’m kidding.”

The kidding aspect of it doesn’t make it okay. I try to get that across (and get the class back on track with math, please-oh-please). It’s very trying-to-empty-the-ocean-with-an-eyedropper. When I briefly mentioned it on Twitter the other day, I added the hashtag #CallMeSisyphus.

Super frustrating. I’m not stopping anytime soon, though.

Here’s one reason why, aside from the fact that such “insults” are offensive, annoying, and unintelligent.

I know a guy, former student, now an adult, who’s come out. I imagine him sitting in my classroom years ago. I imagine those stupid comments getting tossed around every single day. Back then, I was a new teacher who barely knew how to keep thirty teenagers from killing each other for forty-five minutes, much less having her ears tuned in to the random banter. So, I really don’t know if it’s gotten worse, or if I was just too stressed about not knowing what the heck I was doing to notice.

But even assuming such comments weren’t lobbed at him directly (best-case scenario), I imagine how hearing it over and over made him feel.

Possibly he would have felt a little like I do when I hear that first type of insult: “You’re such a girl,” etc. Kind of like I feel when someone tells a guy they throw like a girl, and I want to respond with, “Yeah? Let me show you how to kick like a girl.”

The feeling is that even if it’s in so-called teasing, it holds an inherent assumption that being female or being gay or whatever is automatically inferior. Not worthy of respect.

Never mind that we’re human beings. All of us.

And I know I’ve said it before, but I don’t like this “looking-down” attitude on any front. Not Republicans talking trash about Democrats. Not atheists saying the religiously inclined are idiots.

You don’t have to agree with someone to show them respect. And it’s really not that hard.

Now, if only I could convince a few fourteen-to-fifteen-year-olds of that.

Any ideas?

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Epiphany of the Week: Hot Girls Can Be Smart

Not my epiphany … that of a 9th grade boy. A very girl-crazy 9th grade boy. (“Aren’t they all?” you say. No, not really. Not like this.)

The student in question was in my room, discussing with another student how astounded he was to discover this older girl (cheerleader, no less) is super-smart and able to help him with his math homework. I said (uh, pretty sarcastically), “Incredible, isn’t it? A hot girl and she’s smart?”

He could’ve really dug himself into a hole then, but he managed a save. “I know! But then I thought about it, and there’s [names several girls in his grade who fit in the cute-and-popular category and have high academic achievement].”

It struck me that teens can be a little one-dimensional in their thinking, but they can also add dimensions to their view pretty easily when they let themselves.

It parallels the experience I often have when students find out I write fiction. “But you teach math!” Like they’re these mutually exclusive things. Like I have to fit neatly into a stereotype.

Then there was the time a student reported that one of the English teachers had said English is harder to teach than math. (I hope she was joking around. I wasn’t there, so I don’t know.) I teased back that he should tell her we can switch places for a day and we’ll see what happens, because I know a thing or two about English.

Really, though … why must we try to fit people into these boxes? The analytical side of me can see the appeal of simple categorization. It keeps things organized. Much easier to split things into hot blondes (in the blonde-joke sense) and ugly nerds, math people and English people, jocks and band-geeks.

Real people tend to have overlap somewhere, though. More often than not, a lot of overlaps. That’s trickier to wrangle with, but makes life a lot more interesting.

On a quick writing note … I’m always glad to see characters that reflect the kind of multifaceted-ness I see in real-life teens. Sometimes, though, I find that one or more of those blended aspects lacks authenticity. The cute, popular girl who reports she loves math/science and is good at it … but doesn’t show any of the thinking processes that go with skills in those areas. Not that she can’t still make stupid decisions—all humans do sometimes. But saying she’s “that kind of smart” isn’t the same as behaving like a person who really is, with all the complexity that includes.

I guess that makes another case for “Show, Don’t Tell.”

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The Transition from Cooties to Couples

Yes, I’m back with more observations from Project People-Watch: Junior High Edition.

For the last several years, I’ve been at a school where I’ve mainly been working with the older high school kids—anywhere from 16 to 21 years old. Even when I had 8th and 9th graders, it was such a tiny school that the dynamics weren’t always what most teenagers would consider typical.

Now I’m back in a large public school. I have one 8th grade class (smaller, honors) and five 9th grade classes (large, full spectrum from overachievers to strugglers to I-don’t-cares). Those 9th graders are top of the heap at this school, but would have been among the youngest I taught previously, so it’s an interesting perspective.

The most interesting thing, regardless of class, is to watch what various students (and groups of students) do during a stretch of free time at the end of class.

The 8th grade class has The Great Wall of Gender Divide running down the middle of it. They chose their own seats, and it’s girls on the right, boys on the left. During free time, the girls will talk—about play practice, homework and events in other classes, whatever. The boys will play cards.

One exception is a girl and boy who sit next to each other on the divide. The girl will alternate chatting and joking around with him, and chatting with the other girls. Don’t know the history there, but the pair seem like they’ve been friends for a long time.

The only further mingling is a type I saw just this week after they all finished their tests. Several girls asked if they could draw on the whiteboard. (Last day before break—why not?) One of the girls favors the in-state rival over the more local college team. The boys take exception to that. So when she drew her team’s logo on the board, it turned into a bit of a battle.

The rest of the girls continued doodling funny faces and writing names in fancy scripts.

Then there are the 9th grade classes. During free time (or even homework time), there are four major groups, with a few people who float between them.

First there are the girls sticking with girls, much like my 8th grade class. They gravitate to their friends in the class and chat about things from the silly to the serious.

Then there are the boys who stick with boys. Again like my 8th graders, card games are often popular, or some of the puzzles I keep in the classroom. They chat, too … more likely about sports, video games, and such.

The other two groups are those where girls and guys intermingle, much more commonly than with my 8th graders. My gut tells me there are two distinct groups here, but the difference is hard to describe.

I guess I’d say one group is the Flirts, and the other is the Friends. That’s not to say there isn’t flirting and crushing going on amongst the Friends, but it’s somehow less obvious, not the be-all end-all of their interactions. With the Friends, I see more genuine talking, less posturing.

With the Flirts, one glance tells me this guy is trying to be clever or smooth as a way of showing off, trying to impress the girl. The girl is laughing and acting cute as can be to keep him at it.

At any rate, I don’t see anything like the Flirts in my 8th grade class. Aside from the one exceptional pair, I don’t see the Friends there, either. Maybe because of its size? Just the dynamics of the people in there? Or the age, and what a difference a year makes?

Some possibilities to keep in mind if I ever write characters quite so young.

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Doting on the Doodlers

A while back, I posted a piece of “fan-art” that was included as part of a beta-reader’s feedback. More recently, I touted the awesomeness of my former student Lynn, who draws awesome things like Mindy McGinnis’s Hatchet Cat.

Today, the two are combined. Lynn read the manuscript for Stitching Snow several months ago and offered this marvelous depiction of the main character, Essie.

That’s my girl.

And I continue to be in awe of people who can draw.

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Cool vs. Not-Cool—More Relativity

We already know this: What is “cool” varies from person to person. We knew it in school. Some kids thought drugs and partying were cool; some disagreed vehemently. That’s more extreme, but there are grayer shades.

Which kids in your class did you think were cool? I’m not talking jocks and cheerleaders vs. geeks and nerds. More like which cheerleader—the queen-bee who seems to have it all under control, the sweet one who seems happy all the time, the hard-working one who’s all about perfecting her handsprings? (Were they all the same person in your case?)

Who we individually think is cool is entirely subjective. Collectively, though, there’s generally a majority agreeing on one person/thing or another being cool.

When I’m teaching, most of my time is naturally devoted to the whole “teaching” part. Still, there are a few minutes in every class near the end where I fall into people-watching. Some students are obviously the “cool” kids (and there’s usually more than one distinct set of them). Some are obviously on the outskirts of Popularity-ville. Many are somewhere in-between.

I should know better, but it still surprises me sometimes to see who some kids are (or aren’t) friends with.

The whole thing is such a game. Even as adults, we don’t escape it. And yet, as an adult, it twists a little.

Not all my students think I’m cool. Some don’t even like me a little bit. But I can guarantee I’m “cooler” and more popular as a teacher than I ever was as a student.

The students who do think I’m cool often strike me as those who wouldn’t have noticed me when I was in school.

On the flip-side … I see those “popular” kids in a way I never could back in those days.

Perspective. Relativity.

We’re a bunch of complicated creatures, aren’t we?

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People-Watching, Junior High Style

This Friday, a few more random observations from the teen-trenches, post-Parent-Teacher-Conference edition.

Sometimes when two teens don’t get along, it’s mega-obvious. Like, their proximity to each other includes a DEFCON 1 alert. When two such teens are put in the same class, it’s my lucky job to keep it from coming to blows. (One such crisis averted yesterday … I’ll save the sigh of relief, though.)

Sometimes when two teens don’t get along, you’d never know it to look at them in class. One parent said something about one friend of her child hating another friend in the same class. I never, ever would have guessed, so I guess they’re good at faking it. Whatever’s behind it all, I appreciate the lack of drama.

Some parents will tear down a good kid. No, the kid isn’t perfect, a few things can be improved, but on average, the kind of kid you’d want to have.

Some kids try to tear themselves down, and it’s up to the parents (and me) to talk them off the ledge, convince them there’s nothing wrong with having an A-minus at midterm.

Popularity is a weird thing. So are cliques. I have a good rapport with a lot of kids who are similar to me at that age (so, the shy/quiet, slightly awkward, not-so-confident geeks). I also have a good rapport with a lot of kids who are at the highest echelon of the social system (this includes some geeks of a different kind). I am much more popular as a teacher than I ever was as a student, which kind of warps my brain.

Some of the most awesome kids are those who cross those social boundaries as though oblivious to their existence.

Most parents are on the teacher’s side, because they know the teacher’s on the kid’s side, whether the kid thinks so or not. (At least, that’s how it should be, though of course there are bad teachers out there, just as there are bad parents … as noted above.)

Most teens know what they should and shouldn’t do. They know all the great reasons for such things. That often doesn’t stop them from doing what they shouldn’t or not doing what they should. And they know that, too. Knowledge may be power, but it’s no substitute for willpower and self-control.

One of the saddest things is to realize I have more faith in a student’s capability than their own parent.

One of the greatest things is to see the relief in a parent’s eyes when they realize I share their belief in a struggling student’s potential …

… and it makes me wonder if they had teachers in the past who wrote that student off.

I hope I never get to that point. Even on the days when the student tries their best to convince me they’re a hopeless case.

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